Years of Impossible
by raeraymusic
Summary: Lily recalls the challenges of remaining with Severus and the hardships of moving on using a brief passage for each year at Hogwarts. JamesXLilyXSnape


Year One

My life became complicated as soon as I entered that school. I was scared. I didn't know what to expect. As I entered I stayed close to Severus. I would not step away with him for anything. Now, half way in to the school year it is hard to still be close friends. I try on my part but he's always hanging out with his new 'friends'. He does not wish me to be around him while he's with his friends. I don't understand why. He's friends must be such a horrible influence on him. I'm worried for him. I fear I'll lose him. I don't know what else to say on the matter except that he's still and endlessly my best and closest friend. Though he will not say the words I always have hope that I am exactly the same to him.

Year Two

After I spent all of the summer with him I can't believe he's avoiding me. I don't know what to thing. He kissed me this summer! And now he hates me? I don't understand. What could be going through his head? We used to sit next to each other in class and now he rushes there to find a seat with someone else. I just can't forget this summer together. We always played around in the playground, just the two of us, and talked for hours. We'd talk about politics, our family, school, our future, and every once and awhile we'd talk about us. Then one time out of no where he reaches out to my hand and I look at him. And he kissed me. It was short and sweet. Good for us since it was the first kiss for both of us. I almost wanted to faint. He showed affection for me, once and only once. And it was worth forever. Now we……well we aren't a 'we' anymore. We aren't an 'us'. We're nonexistent. I don't know what to do. I'm crying now. I should put this away and hide under my covers before anyone else gets here.

Year Three

I just healed from my injuries. I don't know what to think. I'm mad at him. But hadn't he done more than enough to make up for it? _He_ didn't do anything. _His_ horrid friends did all the damaging. _He_ was the one who stopped them. _He _was the one who rushed me to the nurse. _He_ was the one who was crying for me._ He_ was the one who refused to leave my bedside. _He_ was the one who snuck in during the night and held my hand. _He_ was the one who brought me flowers and candy. But then again, _**he**_ was the one who had such horrible friends that would do such a thing to someone just because they were a muggle born. I couldn't forgive him for that. I couldn't forgive him for his choices. I couldn't forgive him for all the pain he caused over the summer. I had a fight with my sister. I decided to runaway and scare her a bit. I snuck over to his house and hid in his bedroom. He helped me hide that night and I fell asleep in his bed in his arms. It was the perfect childhood romance, nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the forehead. I have finally come to realize that I love him. But can we really be together when we come from so different lives?

I fear the answer to that is no.

Year Four

Every time we had a moment free we would run off together and hide. We'd hide anywhere that people wouldn't find us. We'd start off talking about our lives, then about other people and finally about us. He'd hold me close as we'd talk and every time I was upset he'd kiss me on the forehead. He'd also look me in the eyes and tell me that he loved me. Then he'd kiss me. His kisses were hot and passionate. They were soft, something I didn't really expect from a guy. Then we'd kiss for as long as we could until we had to leave. Every time was different. I didn't care. I loved him and he loved me. Eventually I allowed for him to let his hand wonder about my body. And I'd allow his kisses to follow down my neck and further down my body. He didn't go too far and pledged that he loved me to much to go further. But today I think it all ended. Today he accompanied his friends an attacked another mudblood girl in Ravenclaw. I can't believe he did that after what happened to me last year. I love him. But it's getting harder. I won't meet him today. Hopefully he'll realize why. I don't know what else to do.

Year Five

I can't believe I am so foolish. I can't believe I let him have that control over me. I'm too young to have done something like that. I made love to him. I don't even know if he still loves me back. He just cam and apologized for every thing he's ever done that's hurt me. He asked is we could go back to how we were the year before. What was I supposed to say? I was overwhelmed by his beautiful words! And then we did it, he unforgivable act. The most rebellious thing a teenage witch and wizard could do together. I don't want to talk about it. I returned to the common room crying. I lay out on the couch. The school was quiet. Most people had left for winter break except for a few that were either leaving the next day or staying over break. I was alone in the room. So I cried for what seemed like hours. Suddenly I hear this voice. A boy's voice that sounded familiar. He asked me what was wrong. I didn't tell him what exactly was wrong, who would admit something like that? But I told him that my life was going in the wrong direction. He sat next to me on the couch and took my hand in his own. I was shocked to find that it was James Potter, the foolish boy that was always picking on Severus and torturing him. It wasn't black magic like Severus' friends but I don't think he's any better. But I was too upset to argue. Just to have anyone other than Severus care was enough for me. James and I talked for what seemed like hours. I don't know when I fell asleep but when I woke up this morning he was holding me like Severus was that one summer when I snuck over to his house. I fear that I may be falling in love all over again. But is it really love if all I can really think about is Severus?

Year Six

I've been slowly recovering from my broken relationship with Severus. We're still friends and we talk almost every day, but not like we used to. It's too akward on both parts. We're finally moving our separate ways. I'm happily in a close relationship(as just friends for now) with James Potter. That's what he has against me. I hate that they hate each other. Severus hates it because somebody else is making me happy. He's getting worse every day that I see him. He's turning into something I never wanted him to be. He tells me it's painful to see me with James. It upsets me. Because for once in my life I have a chance to be happy with life and who I am. But because he disapproves nothing is right. I think of him every time I'm with James. And every time I'm with Severus I think of James. Can I really go on like this? Is this how I'll always spend my life? Will I always be torn in two? James is so sweet and gentle with me. He's never done anything to hurt me. Can I say the same for Severus?

Year Seven

It's my last day at Hogwarts. I give out gifts to my closest friends. I got a special gift for Severus, a wooden carving I made a year ago of a doe and a bat. I still remain the only person to know his patronus. He has yet to reproduce the spell. I don't know what memory he tries to use. But whatever it is it isn't working. I returned to the common room one last time to gather the last of my belongings. The room was empty except for one person. James Potter was standing in front on the fireplace. There was a small box in his hand. I stood in shock. I don't know why. But I knew something was about to happen, something that would change my life forever. He walked over to me, and kneeled in front of me. I felt like I was about to faint. He took my hand in his own and looked up at me. I don't remember what exactly he said. But then he asked me to marry him. His words that I couldn't remember had brought me to tears. I loved him, so I accepted. But as he put that ring on my finger all I could think about was Severus.

Two Years Later

My name is now Lily Potter. I love James, don't get me wrong. I couldn't have married any other man and have been this happy. But my heart doesn't belong with James. Because in my heart I am and will always be Lily Snape.


End file.
